Well, hubby and J had their first run at soccer tonight. It was an adaptive program through Kidsability so all the other kids there were going to be at different learning levels and all ages. First off- you have to know that we did soccer a few years ago when he was 18 months and we left feeling horrible. At that time we had no inclination that our little boy was different. He was our first born, and we had nothing to compare him to. Looking back now, we see the signs- but at the time he was just 'him'.
While all the other kids are easily kicking the ball, playing the drills, learning to score goals- our son is running around oblivious to everyone and the ball. We remember the specific moment when we asked ourselves - "is there something wrong with our son?" Shortly there after we started down the path of diagnosis and with lots of pushing he was diagnosed 6 months later with moderate-severe ASD.
So, this time around it was suggested he try soccer by his physiotherapist. He has some difficulty catching the ball, kicking it with a purpose, and in general- taking turns. We thought, an adaptive program might be what we need. Somewhere where he won't stick out so much, where he might be able to participate and understand what to do, somewhere were there will be other kids who have just as much difficulty as he does. How great. For once we might feel like our son is successful compared with other peers, instead of a constant reminder how difficult and different things are.
One the great side of things, J LOVED it. He had a great time, and really enjoyed himself. It's also nice to know that all the parents there 'know' there is something different about all the kids- so there is an understanding that it's ok if he isn't acting how others might. On the other side, Hubby said it was just like before. He left feeling deflated, saddened, and in general, disappointed. J was still running around without a purpose. While all the kids were able to participate in drills, circle time, etc... ours was oblivious to any routine that might be happening. Peers would come up to him and he look and run away, unable to participate with them. It's so difficult because we have our normal day to day, where we celebrate when he hugs us, or listens and understands simple requests, or asks verbally for something- all the little things that just 'are'. We grow so used to our normal, that it isn't until we are put into a situation like soccer that we see just how different our normal is. And to be honest, it's hard and it hurts.
It's not that we are in denial- we know what we're battling against- it's more that I have hopes and dreams for our kids and sometimes, things like this makes me have to re-evalute what those are. I don't expect him to be a rocket scientist (even though I'm sure there are some out there with ASD). It's the thing about it being a 'spectrum'. How can you have some savants and some that are diagnosed with retardation? How can you have some that go on to be successful in life- be it career, marriage, kids, what ever- and others that live at home without any form of communication and hardly any basic life skills. Which does our little guy fall under? I don't know. I hope for the best knowing that worst might be there. No one has an answer for us. We just have to keep doing what we can, what we feel is best for our son, and for us as a family.
Even with all these feelings of doubt and sadness of the battle ahead- we are ever so thankful for the wonderful little boy we do have. He's a great hugger, gives us kisses, loves tickles and play time. Has a great laugh and a funny sense of humour. And overall, he is a super sweet little boy and we 'heart' him very very much.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Start blogging huh? Just like that? It seems like everyone else has is all together, but we've all got to start somewhere right? I guess I'll start with why I'm even starting a blog in the first place.
Somewhat recently I was added (by some friends) to some facebook mommy groups- the kind where you share questions, thoughts or anything interesting really- it seems like a great idea for support, especially for first time moms. It was totally flattering to be included and nice to be able to contribute.
But then the honeymoon wore off and I started to find myself getting aggrevated and irritated whenever there were new postings. One mommy group was so large that there were several new posts a minute- I could hardly keep up.
It was hard to read about all the little things these parents were worrying about and it hit home for me how much I didn't feel like I had anything in common with them. I have a son who has been diagnosed with moderate-severe autism, and in that specific group (well, actually with all of them) it seems like no one else has any problems associated with a kid with special needs. And while I face challenges with him, he's not my only kid- and I face the 'normal' stresses of my younger boys.
Another group was focused on parenting styles that without realizing, they were in complete judgement of everyone around them. Not only were they discussing large issues such as vaccines, homoeopathy, chemicals, radiation in our environment- there were also huge discussions on breast feeding, cloth diapers, co-sleeping...etc. I use discussion very loosly because really it wasn't so much of a discussion- it was more like "do this or your a bad parent". Again, it hit home how much I didn't feel like I had anything in common with them.
My hubby and I parent with the 'what ever works, at that time and feels right' philosophy. I've dabbled in pretty much every style of parenting (attachement, ferber, cloth diapers, disposables...etc) at one time or another- and I because of this- I accept that everyone has their own parenting style. If you want to turn off all your phones during the day because of radiation, or breast feed your baby until they are 3, or vaccinate... it's completely your choice.
By now I'm realizing that these groups are offering more stress and frustration then comfort. After a post about how co-sleeping is 'better' for your children and ferberizing/CIO is traumatic to them- It actually was blatantly saying any other way is 'WRONG'- I finally deleted myself from the lists. It's not that I agree or don't (We ferbered our first 2 and co slept with the youngest-mostly out of space issues) but it's the fact that all these posts or attitudes are so judgemental.
Every mommy has their guilt, their times when they think "a GOOD mom wouldn't feel this way", or "I'm a bad mom because I don't do crafts", or what have you. It's enough that I am trying to be the best mom I can, and wrestle with my own doubts, then have to worry about what 500 other moms think about how I'm doing things. Or how the things I've done will cause trauma or are 'wrong'.
So finally I wrote myself a mantra (I even wrote it down and taped it up on the wall) right after deleting myself from the groups and I've never felt better. I've found a good space for parenting, I'm becoming OK with the things that I have done, do, and don't do. My kids are loved, in a happy home, and are well taken care of. That's enough for me.
Here's my mantra:
I will no longer allow myself any part of any discussion where there is judgement on any style of parenting. I am the parent I am, you are the parent you are. You are neither more right than me, or anyone else. We are all our own individuals, and thankfully our children will be too.
And the reason I'm starting this blog is to hopefully have others get comfort and validation in themselves from reading this- as I have with other blogs. Maybe there are other Moms out there who think the same things as I do, and just need to hear it. I hope this helps.
Somewhat recently I was added (by some friends) to some facebook mommy groups- the kind where you share questions, thoughts or anything interesting really- it seems like a great idea for support, especially for first time moms. It was totally flattering to be included and nice to be able to contribute.
But then the honeymoon wore off and I started to find myself getting aggrevated and irritated whenever there were new postings. One mommy group was so large that there were several new posts a minute- I could hardly keep up.
It was hard to read about all the little things these parents were worrying about and it hit home for me how much I didn't feel like I had anything in common with them. I have a son who has been diagnosed with moderate-severe autism, and in that specific group (well, actually with all of them) it seems like no one else has any problems associated with a kid with special needs. And while I face challenges with him, he's not my only kid- and I face the 'normal' stresses of my younger boys.
Another group was focused on parenting styles that without realizing, they were in complete judgement of everyone around them. Not only were they discussing large issues such as vaccines, homoeopathy, chemicals, radiation in our environment- there were also huge discussions on breast feeding, cloth diapers, co-sleeping...etc. I use discussion very loosly because really it wasn't so much of a discussion- it was more like "do this or your a bad parent". Again, it hit home how much I didn't feel like I had anything in common with them.
My hubby and I parent with the 'what ever works, at that time and feels right' philosophy. I've dabbled in pretty much every style of parenting (attachement, ferber, cloth diapers, disposables...etc) at one time or another- and I because of this- I accept that everyone has their own parenting style. If you want to turn off all your phones during the day because of radiation, or breast feed your baby until they are 3, or vaccinate... it's completely your choice.
By now I'm realizing that these groups are offering more stress and frustration then comfort. After a post about how co-sleeping is 'better' for your children and ferberizing/CIO is traumatic to them- It actually was blatantly saying any other way is 'WRONG'- I finally deleted myself from the lists. It's not that I agree or don't (We ferbered our first 2 and co slept with the youngest-mostly out of space issues) but it's the fact that all these posts or attitudes are so judgemental.
Every mommy has their guilt, their times when they think "a GOOD mom wouldn't feel this way", or "I'm a bad mom because I don't do crafts", or what have you. It's enough that I am trying to be the best mom I can, and wrestle with my own doubts, then have to worry about what 500 other moms think about how I'm doing things. Or how the things I've done will cause trauma or are 'wrong'.
So finally I wrote myself a mantra (I even wrote it down and taped it up on the wall) right after deleting myself from the groups and I've never felt better. I've found a good space for parenting, I'm becoming OK with the things that I have done, do, and don't do. My kids are loved, in a happy home, and are well taken care of. That's enough for me.
Here's my mantra:
I will no longer allow myself any part of any discussion where there is judgement on any style of parenting. I am the parent I am, you are the parent you are. You are neither more right than me, or anyone else. We are all our own individuals, and thankfully our children will be too.
And the reason I'm starting this blog is to hopefully have others get comfort and validation in themselves from reading this- as I have with other blogs. Maybe there are other Moms out there who think the same things as I do, and just need to hear it. I hope this helps.
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